Beta #3

Waiting for Beta #3, I was a nervous wreck. Google of the Day turned into Google of the Hour. Four days (Sunday to Thursday) crawled by in slow motion. On Wednesday night, I cried to Joe, “It will be so sad if we make it this far just to have it not work now.” He said something reassuring. I worried some more. Sound familiar? Yep, pre-Beta #2 was like this, too… except by Beta #3, you’re a little more invested, so the waiting’s a little worse. You’ve shared your news with a few more people. You’ve maybe bought some baby announcement stuff on Etsy. You’re feeling your symptoms. By Beta #3, you’re 5 weeks pregnant!

So I went in for the blood draw. Again, I worked from home, so antsy for the ACRM phone call. Finally, Megan, my nurse, called. The way she started speaking had my stomach in knots. “I’m calling to go over the results of your third beta…” Oh geez. But then – she said, “Everything’s looking great, you’re at 8……..” I must have passed out temporarily, because I didn’t hear the rest of it. I had to ask her to start again, and tell me my previous betas so that I could compare. So they were:

10/21: 599
10/23: 1561 (two days later, more than doubled)
10/27: 8673 (four days later, more than quadrupled)

PHEW. I was in the Beta clear. Megan scheduled my FIRST ULTRASOUND!! for the following week, Thursday, November 3, with Dr. Fogle. I would be 6 weeks exactly.

So, here we are… in the middle of another unbearable waiting period. So nervous, and so excited to see our baby! I’m sending ALL the positive thoughts to my uterus. I’m trusting my body and trusting God.

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GOTD: Beta to the MAX

Wow, that blog post title was an 80’s joke if there ever was one. 10/14 Google of the Day (GOTD) as follows:

“how did you get your beta test results ivf”

Today’s point of curiosity was that ultra-critical, ultra-binary moment: when you are, or you aren’t. Say you survive the 2WW (again), and it’s time for that beta blood test, and it’s a couple of hours later and the nurse has your results. How do you deal?!

I’m thinking back to my IUIs, and I recall the first and the last bad news phone call, but not the second, for some reason. Hmm.

IUI #1: I was working from my parents’ house; Joe and I were headed to Miami to see my sister for the weekend, and Katrina, my ACRM nurse, called to let me know the negative results. But the night before, I already felt Aunt Flo coming, so while it was upsetting, it wasn’t unexpected. I also knew that it sometimes took more than one try, so I felt okay about the fact that it was negative. (I mean, I still definitely cried while watching Hook in the basement.)

IUI #3: I was working from home, on a stupid training call about a stupid new tool. The nurse called me and I remember pacing my house, trying to get as far away as possible from the drone of the trainer’s voice, with the biggest pit in my stomach as I listened to the same news, for the third time. I think I sat on my stairs and cried. Pretty sure Aunt Flo came the following day.

Each time the nurse called with the news, I never considered alternatives to straight up picking up my phone and taking the call. But through Google, I found out a multitude of ways that this moment could play out:

  1. You hate hearing the bad news from a nurse. You’d rather hear it from “DH.” You ask the nurse to call DH instead, and he will give you any bad news in a better, gentler way.
  2. You don’t want to talk to a live person, and for them to hear you break down if it’s bad news. You ask the nurse to call you, and to leave a voicemail. You listen to it on your own, or you wait until you and DH are together in a safe place and listen then.
  3. You have a job where you physically can’t pick up the phone, or you don’t have a good place to sneak away for feelings. You ask the nurse to leave a voicemail, and listen to it at home.
  4. You want to film yourself and DH receiving the news. You ask the nurse to leave a VM, then listen to it at home, in front of the camera.
  5. You already know the answer, because you “tested out” your HCG trigger (so you know it’s not a false positive from the meds), and the nurse is just calling to confirm what you think you already know.
  6. You didn’t test HCG out, but you POAS (PdOAS? POASed? POAS’d?) the day of the beta test and you have an idea of what the verdict will be. But the clinical beta will double confirm your home test.

I learned about all of these options from a quick scan through one such forum. Honestly, I think it’s fantastic that women (and men) going through this HORRIBLE FUCKING TIME are figuring out ways to manage the anxiety and make these untenable situations as easy for them to deal with as possible.

But for me? I don’t know what I’ll do, come Oct 21. I know I don’t do home pregnancy tests. I didn’t even do them a lot when we were regularly TTC. As an overachiever and a pretty good test taker, I felt like the HPTs would lower my averages. I also figured, either I’ll have a period, or I won’t, and that will let me know what I need to know. And I was regular as clockwork, so being reliable helped, too. As far as the phone call goes? Will I change my ways and let the nurse leave a VM at the beep? Probably not. I’m too instant gratification for that. But at least I know I have the option, thanks to Google.

Introducing: Google of the Day (GOTD)

Oh, Google, the modern-day oracle. Gateway to fertility forums from 2004, and everyone’s two cents. (Let’s not kid ourselves, I hope this blog becomes searchable too, one day…haha)

Because I am a millennial, I am a consummate Googler. Pretty much every hour on the hour I have something new that I want to Google about my in-the-moment infertility experience. And through this baby-making adventure, I have found myself typing THE craziest things into that white box, in search for advice and community from the brave souls who have gone before. The things that Google knows about me, my cycle, the state of my cervical mucus… It’s clear to me: my search history IS my history. It’s my life, documented in questions posed to the world wide web.

So, I’m going to start documenting my Google searches… and hopefully, link to the most helpful results along the way.

There’s this Google ad I love from 2009… the year Joe and I started dating. I think about it all the time when I’m Googling, especially on days where I go, “God, I never thought I would one day be scouring the interwebs for embryo transfer diet do’s and don’ts.” Or ,”Have I seen every Follistim injection video tutorial on the planet? Am I sure I know how to do it now?” One day, when the news is good, I would love to re-make this ad, focused on our infertility experience. It would definitely not be as romantic, but… I would love to borrow the ending. 🙂